 |
Journal | Friends | Calendar | User Info | Memories |
uyfghfg.
i wish i could read what i wrote a few hours ago. anywyas. you were right, talking to you about how much you hurt me wont/didnt/cant do anything good in this situation. so i talked to nik for about 2 hours and im pretty sure cried every tear i have and i feel like shit, but like the worst bit of this is over for me i guess. on to that., im pms'ing. nice timing. ahah.
erika, said:
so yeha. i dunno.. i still love you and want to be with you but im coming to terms a little better with the fact that you dont want that. so. i am here for you when your ready to be my friend, or when you think you need an ear. you know im always here. i really really hope you meant what you said about me being your best friend. because i want nothing more than to continue our relationship, and
erika, said:
an altered friendship-relationship will probably be a lot better for you. deal with your problems bub. get happy. im here when your ready. when im ready too i guess.
so this is after the fact obviously but last nite around 11 seth dumped me.
worst night of high school. neverso many tears.felt like shit.
but i think i will feel better about it..so..
yeha.
feel this is post worthy,.
almost 2 yr. 1 month of togetherness. im shocked still . and sad. but . cautiously optomistic.
so this man who works at a flag factory. for the usa. during vietnam war probably. he fuckes up one of the flags, maybe its too short,. slightly sideways, one too many or not enough stars.
yeah.
so war breaks out, ppl strt dying. lotsa people. so they need flags to put on their caskets and fold up in that triangle thing.
but all over the country, his flags wont fold correctly, because of the uneven seams. so everywhere these ceremonies are being re-done until the folded flag kinda works.
flag guy gets in massive trouble.
or will.
so he is either on the run from uncle sam for making a mockery of his ceremonies.
havet decided if the mis-shapen flag thing was on purpose or not yet. ahah.
today i stayed home from school. well, actually i came home. i felt so garbage.
also mad. like, all day,.
last night i was supposed to hang out with seth after work at 7. so he shows up at 7thirty, whatever, hes usually late.
so at 8 his dad calls and says hes comeing to get him, needs help.
boy has new job, doesnt need to be up til 10 or so, so he can stay over later. says he;ll be over when hes done.
so its 830, no word.
i send a message, no reply.
9, another message, no reply.
9thirty, ive sent another message but given up thought of seeing him and what not. accept the let down.
11, think i hear my phone, get excited that seth isnt a jerk and has an excuse.
false alarm, no message, no repent.
grargh.
so today at 2 i finally get a hey want to hang out tonight message.
but no i cant , no i dont want to, im sick, and your being a jerk all spews out all at once.
he says he didnt realize he was supposed to come back, then just didnt check his phone. soo. so he went to bed.
soo.. so i look at that and wonder why he eventually got those messages, that night, next day, whatever. and still didnt do anything about them.
just left them alone.
left me alone.
made me wonder and thing and feel bad all that time, with the full knowledge, at some point, that i was at least slightly unhappy.
but, all was ignored until he felt it was the okay time to ask to casually hang out.
annoying.
on to that, i cant breathe and i feel like im bleeding to death.
i feel all weird .
got home from kurts with seth and such and i dont know. i feel all not smiley.
i dont think seth did any thing. he asked. but it must be him? he;s the only person who ever upsets me outside of family really.
its kinda stupid but maybe im upset about today. like.all hanging out with kurt and catherine when i really would rather just be with seth, and its annoying for me for some reason.
i know its totally stupid but i hate seth talking about video games. so much., the whole tiem i was like omfg i hate this shit., so much. like. being at kurts and hearing about it so much made me mad. and its also stupid, but like. laying together and having him get up as soon as alec is like OH SETH EXPLAIN THIS is so ridiculous. like, id be like just layin there with catherine adn kurt on the next couch and im like yeah..thats mine over there, busy with the computer..
it would only be a little bit of time but fuck. thats not a place im like super comfortable. far from really. and then to be like...left there all alone huddled on the gross leather waiting for him to come back.
i just told him i felt weird. then said i didnt really like to share. then just got 'your weird, :) it is flattering hah. i dont want to devalue your enamor, but thats maybe something youll have to grow from'
its not even i dont like sharing seth,. whatever. i just dont like seth with kurt. he's not the same. not the same as when we're alone.
he doesnt talk as much and not as nice.
i kinda said that and im kinda regretting sending it.
and now im talkking to him on msn cause he said that was a hard thing to hear. then said something else i iddnt understand. so msn for clairity! but now we're just talking about movies and not really mentioning it..
so now im trying to explain but its definetly coming off weird.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
"let me love you on the sly"
uh huh.
so my dad went huntinggg.
and just got back.
im not completley disgusted exactly...but its sick none the less.
there were leg joints on the counter when i went to grab some water.
ick. and seth was banned from the kitchen because of some phantom cold hes over now.
wouldnt want to infect the festering carcass upstairs with sethgerms.
yeeepe.
so after all my dads being a jerk etc for the past 3 months or so, we all figured all he needed was a little break from us (seeing as we are so much work to be around..)
yea..
no..
hes still a jerk and snapping at everyone and my moms kinda pissed off about it all.
obviously.
hes freaking out randomly, mostly on her, and she doesnt know why.
adn neither do we...
we'll see how that all goes.
i am expecting some heted "discussions"... not that my dad has those ahha. he just kinda decides whats what and thats the end of it. even if hes wrong.
well seee.
welcome to the goo that everything has become!
not a patricularily bad goo exactly.
but goo none the less.
yeha.
so everything adn everyone is melting. as predicted/
there are a few things that have seemed to chop up my little time in this school-e-y mess thus far:
english class.moogsy.sethface./umm..that weekend in burnaby kinda stuck out.fireworks..everything else is mush piled on mush on mush.
other than that ahhaa everything has been like the day before it, and the day before that. plus mush.
but. again.. not bad mush.
they have all just sorta...been.
and came, and gone, and then started again.
dear god i hope this isnt a loop...
Current music: the strokesss..
hello computerrrrrrrrr!
i havent written or anything in awhile...
uh huh/
so everythings going nicely and im very ... content and its nice.
my house has settled down and so has jess and everyones just niceee and chill.
on the excitement side of the world thou!
sids mums going to ... away.. all weekend!
i love sids moms house.
o its gunna be so dope. im stoked.
we're gunna be classy, doitup right.
ahhh,
ok.
: )
Current music: Orchestral Suite No. 3 Air on a G String.
'and languid landlocked lovers lay.'